


Breathing Deep

by orphan_account



Series: Be My Little Freak [3]
Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: Angst, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, M/M, erotic asphyxiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-24
Updated: 2011-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:49:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Continuation of 'Inside of You' and 'All Over You'</p>
<p>He truthfully doesn't trust himself. It's not that he'd purposely try to harm Logan. Which is one of the reasons he refuses to do it. Choking isn't exactly a pleasant thing, and inflicting that kind of discomfort on anyone is disconcerting to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing Deep

The thing is, Logan really is kind of a little freak. And James is totally okay with that. Enjoys it, even. He was completely on board with the dirty talk, and while he didn't quite understand Logan's kink for having his face spattered with come, he couldn't deny the fact that it was one of the hottest things he had ever seen.

Asphyxiation? No. Definitely not. He draws the line there. It's too risky. What if he were to push or squeeze too hard and crush Logan's windpipe? No. It won't ever happen, no matter how much Logan looks at him with those doe eyes and lopsided grin.

He truthfully doesn't trust himself. It's not that he'd purposely try to harm Logan. Which is one of the reasons he refuses to do it. Choking isn't exactly a pleasant thing, and inflicting that kind of discomfort on anyone is disconcerting to him.

His biggest worry is that he'll be too caught up in the moment that he won't realize just how much pressure he's exerting. He's well-built and his physique shows that. He's stronger than he realizes sometimes, and if he were to get too lost in the sensation of Logan all tight and perfect around him, the results could prove to be fatal.

Logan does everything he can to keep the topic at the forefront of James' mind. He'll wear a tie and constantly pull at it, tightening and loosening it, ensuring that James is watching. He'll run his fingers along the line of his throat, circling them around his Adams Apple. Or his favorite, throwing his head back and baring the smooth expanse of his throat while he laughs.

James' resolve is quickly weakening. He knows every move Logan makes is intentional; begging for his strong grip to be in place of his own.

James won't allow himself near Logan and it’s putting him on edge. They haven't touched each other in so many days and James isn’t sure how much longer he can last. He needs Logan like he needs air, and as that metaphor crosses his mind, he laughs at the irony. Needs Logan like the air that Logan so desperately wants him to cut off.

What Logan's asking him to do, though. He's trusting him with his life and that's a scary thing. James loves him, with every fiber of his being, more than he ever thought possible, and he trusts Logan with everything. But actually having Logan’s life in his hands? That's huge. Life changing.

The final straw comes a week later when Logan shows up at the studio bright and early, faint purple marks decorating the skin of his neck.

James is upset, nauseous, concerned. He automatically starts thinking the worst; that Logan, his Logan, went out and picked up some stranger to do what he wouldn't. His stomach is in knots and there's that gross taste of bile rising in his throat.

He avoids Logan as long as he can until he can calm himself down enough to think rationally. Logan isn't the type to cheat, to pick up strangers in seedy clubs. He believes Logan every time he says I love you, and he knows every time Logan says it, he truly means it.

With that thought out of the way, he really has no idea how the bruises got there and when he finally decides to talk to Logan, they're called to the set.

James idly wonders how pissed the make-up department was when Logan walked in. The few times he had shown up with a hickey, the make-up artist lectured him the entire time she worked to cover up the 'atrocity', as she so eloquently put it.

Hours later when they're finally given their lunch break, James grabs Logan and drags him to his dressing room, shutting the door behind them before standing against it with his hip cocked and arms crossed, a clear expression of 'explain, now', on his face.

Logan ignores the pointed glance and seats himself on the sofa in James’ dressing room, fiddling with his phone and paying no attention to James.

This clearly isn’t what James had in mind and as Logan continues to sit there, irritation settles unpleasantly in his stomach. He’s a little more than pissed that Logan refuses to say a word to him, but the whole situation has put a strain on their relationship. It’s stupid and petty and it’s something that should not be having as big of an impact on them as it is.

Without a second thought, James huffs in annoyance and crosses the short distance to the sofa, ripping Logan’s phone out of his hands and straddling his legs. Before he has a moment to actually think through what he’s doing, he fits his hand to the column of Logan’s neck, pressing and squeezing, his eyes darkened with something he can’t quite place.

“Is this what you want? Huh? Tell me. Do you like knowing that your life rests completely in my hands? That if I wanted to, I could push hard enough and crush your windpipe? Do you get off on that, knowing I have all the power?”

Logan’s face is light shade of red, his mouth dropped open and his pupils blown wide. He tries to nod but he can’t, the movement hindered by James’ large hand around his throat. The sounds around him have become muted, everything in his line of vision going soft and hazy around the edges. He’s hard, painfully so, and he’s desperate for any type of relief he can find. He finds that he can’t move, his energy being sucked from him as his oxygen level continues to deplete.

Before James has a chance to react, Carlos and Kendall are tumbling through the door, stopping dead in their tracks when they take in the scene in front of them. James instantly drops his hand from Logan’s throat and Logan sucks in a huge shuddery breath, the shades of pink and red leaving his face.

The atmosphere around them has quickly become awkward and stifling, no one speaking because none of them are quite sure what could possibly be said to lessen the shock and embarrassment of the situation.

Logan’s sitting stock still, still trying to catch his breath and feeling every bit as mortified as one possibly could.

James hasn’t moved an inch, paralyzed in nerves and fear. What if Carlos and Kendall get the wrong idea? What if they think he was trying to kill Logan? He’d rather them know it’s something Logan gets off on, but even that has his stomach churning.

The minutes continue to tick by until Carlos finally breaks the silence, muttering a quick ‘sorry, we’ll leave you two alone,’ and dragging Kendall out of the room.

James lets out a whoosh of air, though he knows it’s far from over. Carlos and Kendall will probably grill the fuck out of him, and it’s not a conversation he’s looking forward to. He’d rather have his teeth ripped out than have that discussion. He’s more than sure they both saw the marks on Logan’s neck before they were covered up, and the disgusting thought of the probability of them thinking he’s abusing Logan is enough to make him want to cry.

There’s a slight trembling beneath him and for a moment he thinks Logan is actually crying. When he finally turns his attention to Logan, Logan is laughing. Laughing as though this is the funniest situation he’s ever been in, and that sets James off.

“There is nothing funny about this, Logan. Did you see their faces? They probably think I’m abusing you or trying to kill you or something. To me, that’s not comical at all. They’re probably going to try to beat me up because they think I’m hurting you, and you. You’re just laughing. This isn’t funny, Logan. Stop laughing,” James chastises as he continues to watch Logan’s face.

Logan’s laughter finally ceases after a few moments, and when he regains his breath, again, he can’t help but roll his eyes at James. “Are you even listening to yourself? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I’ll just tell them what it was about, no big deal.”

“I. Wha-. You can’t do that.”

“Would you rather them think you’re abusing me?” And then Logan is laughing again. The things James’ neurotic brain comes up with sometimes will never fail to amuse him.

“Whatever. Let’s just get back to set; I’m sure our lunch break is just about over.” James finally climbs off of Logan and offers him a hand, pulling him up from the sofa and dropping his hand once he’s on his feet. They head back to the set, an awkward silence hanging between them as they prepare themselves for the remainder of the grueling day ahead of them.

*

James was right; the conversation with Carlos and Kendall was one of the most uncomfortable situations ever. He was prepared for the abuse accusation, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting when the words were actually said. He had grown frustrated, pulling at his hair as he tried to assure them that that was not the case. Luckily Logan had shown up and explained everything, and that. That was something he never wants to relive. As every word spilled from Logan’s lips, he continued to wish the Earth would open up and swallow him. Anything was better than listening to Logan briefly explaining his interest in erotic asphyxiation to their best friends. Carlos and Kendall, being the utter immature boys they are, laughed and snickered the entire time. How Logan managed to keep a straight face and not die of embarrassment was beyond him.

Little to James’ knowledge, on the inside Logan was so far from being calm and collected, but he’d rather out his kinkier side than have Carlos and Kendall think James is hurting him. He knows it’s going to change things for a while; Carlos and Kendall will probably look at him like he’s some kind of freak, or crack jokes whenever possible.

Logan was thankful they didn’t question the current marks marring his neck. Now that is definitely not something he wants to tell them. He doesn’t even want to tell James, but he knows he’ll have to when James inevitably asks.

That’s definitely a conversation he doesn’t quite want to have, and as his luck would have it, it’s brought up sooner than he hoped for.

*

It’s a quiet Saturday, three days after the dreaded conversation with Carlos and Kendall. James is curled up on his sofa, feeling the exhaustion of the long days of filming taking its toll. He’s on the brink of falling asleep when he hears the front door opening and it jerks him into full alertness.

“James?”

James lets out the breath he was holding at hearing Logan’s voice filtering through the house. Moments later, Logan appears in the living room, pushing James’ feet out of the way so he can join him on the sofa.

James maneuvers himself so he’s lying on his back with his feet draped over Logan’s lap. Without the make-up covering the bruises on Logan’s neck, they stand out drastically against the pale color of his skin. James ponders how they got there, and he knows his mind won’t rest until he gets an answer.

He holds it off for the moment, moving his feet from Logan’s lap and grasping at Logan’s hand, pulling him so he’s lying on top of him. It’s the closest they’ve been since Logan first poised the question and it’s overwhelming how they managed to make it so long without touching.

“I’ve missed you,” Logan says as he fits his head under James’ chin.

“I’ve missed you, too,” James echoes, dropping a kiss to the top of Logan’s head and placing his hand against Logan’s back, running it along the length of his spine up to the back of his neck where he curls his hand around, brushing his fingers along on either side.

Logan’s breathing slows and he mewls against James’ chest, content in the way James’ fingers are grazing against the skin of his neck.

“You ever gonna tell me how you got these bruises?” James’ hand has inched its way to where his thumb is resting against one of the purple marks.

Logan stills and his breathing stops, taken by complete surprise by the question. If he wanted, he could brush it off, shake his head and change the topic. But he can’t do that. Not to James. Not with the distance, both physically and emotionally, he and James have had between them. Especially not now when the distance is quickly dissipating.

He exhales shakily and with a quiet voice, he answers. “Myself.”

Silence envelopes them and Logan feels incredibly awkward, his heart racing and his face flushed. He had a feeling it was going to be like this, and that’s why he was dreading talking about it.

James clears his throat, clearly surprised by the response. He isn’t sure what to say, so he settles with, “what do you mean?”

Logan sighs, clearly uncomfortable, but he needs to explain to himself. “I was curious and I wanted to try it, but you wouldn’t, so y’know. I did it myself.”

“W-what was it like?” James can’t help but be curious.

“Um. It was, y’know…” Logan trails off, not quite sure how to explain it. How exactly is he supposed to say he had one of the best orgasms of his life by choking himself?

“Care to elaborate?”

“I don’t know. It was good. Really good.”

“Yeah?” James voice has grown breathy, and he’s unknowingly pressing against the bruise his thumb is resting against.

“I wish it would’ve been you, though.”

James knows this, and he’s explained to Logan why he won’t do it, but hearing how much Logan enjoyed it kind of makes him wish it was him. “I know. I just don’t trust myself enough to do it.”

Logan sits up, sitting back on James’ thighs and looking straight into his eyes. “But I trust you.”

“I know. I just.” James stops and sighs, wishing he could do what Logan wants.

“It’s fine.” Logan shrugs it off, letting the conversation drop as he leans forward and snuggles back against James’ chest.

Even though the conversation has tapered off, James can’t stop thinking about. Can’t stop his brain from providing him with images of Logan, sweaty and laid out in the private of his own bedroom, face a deep red, eyes mere slits as one hand works along his length, the other gripping his throat tight enough to bruise.

It’s so fucking hot, and it intensifies as he pictures Logan beneath him, that same look on his face, only it’s his hand around Logan’s throat. It hits him hard how much he wants this now, and if Logan can trust him enough to ask him to do it, he should trust himself to know that he can.

James shifts slightly where he lays, eyes shooting open when it causes Logan to rub against his quickly growing erection. He suppresses the hiss the contact causes, but he’s sure Logan can feel how hard he is, the thin material of his sweatpants doing little to hide it.

He slowly counts to ten and breathes deep, bringing his hand up to cradle the back of Logan’s neck. He moves his hand gingerly, testing, before pressing his fingers hard into the skin. Logan stills and James releases the pressure, moving his hand to the middle of Logan’s back.

When Logan relaxes moments later, James returns his hand to Logan’s neck, sliding his fingers to the side and pushing them hard against his pulse point.

“J-james. What are you doing?” Logan asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Nothing. Nothing at all,” James answers flippantly, smirking down at Logan.

Logan sits up, causing James’ hand to fall away. His eyes narrow as he looks down at James whose face is blank, save for the innocent look in his eyes. “You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?”

“No,” James lies, but when Logan rolls his hips forward and cocks an eyebrow at him, he knows he’s caught. “Fuck, Logan. How can I not? These kinks of yours, I just—I don’t know what to do with you sometimes.”

Logan rolls his hips forward again, making a point to drag his own erection slowly against James’. “You could fuck me...or I could fuck you.”

That is not what James was expecting. Okay, he was half expecting it, but he wasn’t expecting Logan to suggest fucking him. It’s not something they do often, but James can’t deny the fact that he enjoys it.

“Yeah, yes, whatever you want.”

“I think,” Logan pauses, leaning forward and bracing his hands against James’ chest as he swivels his hips, biting back a groan at the delicious friction. “I think you should fuck me,” he continues, dropping his head down as James bucks up against him.

James nods his agreement and carefully pushes Logan off into the opposite corner of the sofa before standing and pulling Logan up with him and leading him to his bedroom.

Logan can’t even remember the last time he was in James’ bedroom. They spend almost all their time at his house, with the exception of the last couple weeks where James has been staying here.

He quickly strips his shirt and pants off, climbing onto the bed and situating himself against the sole pillow. He’s more than ready to have James inside him. It’s been far too long and he wants it, needs it more than anything.

James is right behind him, stripping off his own clothes. It doesn’t surprise him that James isn’t wearing anything beneath his sweatpants; he rarely does unless he’s working out or they’re rehearsing choreography. But the sight of James standing there, inches upon feet of bare skin, cock hard and jutting out, sends a surge of absolute want through his veins, and he finds himself whispering, “James, please.”

James’ eyes snap to his and he gives a small smile before sauntering over and joining him on the bed, wasting no time in ridding Logan of his boxers and moving to straddle his hips.

The immediate contact of their cocks brushing together has Logan’s toes curling and his hands gripping the sheets tightly. James leans forward and presses his lips to Logan’s, reveling in the softness he’s missed so much. His hand comes up, resting against the side of Logan’s neck as his thumb tenderly strokes Logan’s jaw.

Even the simple touch has Logan gasping against James’ lips, eager for more. James pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, nipping softly as he pulls away. He releases it and smiles softly down at Logan, smirking as he rolls his hips down hard and moves his hand to the front of Logan’s throat, feeling Logan’s adam’s apple against his palm.

As much as Logan was looking forward to James being in him, he knows he’s not going to last long at all. It’s been way too long and he’s missed James’ touch. “Please,” he pleads, hoping James knows what he means.

James reaches between them, wrapping his hand around their cocks. Logan groans, half in frustration, half in pleasure. Suddenly, his groan is trapped mid-throat as James applies the slightest of pressure, his thumb and fingers squeezing on each side of his neck.

“More, James.”

James looks more than a little hesitant, his eyes holding a bit of worry.

“I trust you.” And just like that, Logan manages to break through that hesitant barrier, his eyes holding nothing but trust and love.

James gradually begins applying more pressure as he rolls his hips slowly, his other hand sliding swiftly along his and Logan’s cock. He can feel where Logan is swallowing harshly against his palm, and the erratic beat of his heart against his fingers. It’s more arousing than he thought it would be and he matches the tempo of his hand to that of Logan’s heartbeat.

Logan’s face is more than flushed, a gorgeous hue of red coloring his features. The pressure increases a bit more as James leans forward, the angle awkward and unsteadying as he crashes their lips together. It’s sweet and chaste, their lips moving together easily before James pulls away, rising back up and thrusting into the grip of his fist, a sweet moan falling from his lips as Logan cants up against him.

James slightly releases his grip on Logan’s neck, allowing Logan a quick breath as he looks into his eyes, insuring that he’s okay before he increases the pressure again, watching as Logan’s eyes close and a blissful expression takes over.

He thrusts forward as he swipes his thumb over the head of Logan’s cock, and Logan’s eyes shoot open, a broken, rough moan piercing the silence as he comes in thick spurts across his stomach. James follows seconds later, the sight of Logan coming undone ripping out his orgasm.

Logan’s entire body is shaking and writhing and suddenly his movements cease, his eyes closing. James begins to panic, thinking he was using too much pressure and when he realizes his hand is still closed around Logan’s throat, he rips it away and quickly climbs off Logan, tears pricking his eyes when he thinks the worst has happened.

He calms slightly when he sees the steady rise and fall of Logan’s chest and he watches intently until Logan begins to stir.

Logan blinks his eyes open slowly and when they finally land on James, he gives him a look of total satisfaction. “Holy shit.”

“What the fuck, Logan. You scared me,” James grits out, flopping down on his back and pulling Logan against him tightly.

“I’m sorry,” Logan apologizes, his voice tired and raspy. “I guess I blacked out. That was pretty damn intense.”

“I thought I hurt you and that. That scared me so much, Logan,” James admits, his mind still reeling.

“I really am sorry, James. I had no idea it’d be like that, but it was so fucking good.” Logan struggles against James’ hold, turning so they’re lying face to face.

“I know. It just…” James trails off, not quite sure how to word what he’s feeling.

Logan closes the distance between them and presses a sweet kiss to James’ lips, pulling back and looking into James’ eyes. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do that anymore. It means a lot that you were willing to try it at least once.”

“Anything for you, Logan.” And it’s scary how much James means that. Logan is his entire life, and he’d do anything to make Logan happy, even if it’s something that he’s not quite comfortable with.

He knows they still have some things to work through, the emotional distance still not completely repaired. It’s okay, though. He knows they’ll get through it just fine. It’s him and Logan, after all. Nothing will ever be able to tear them apart.


End file.
